Expectations

Song of the Day: Under The Bridge by Red Hot Chili Peppers

When Hurricane Sandy hit New York last month, I was stuck at home for more than a week. I don't think I can do the severity of the storm justice with my writing, so I'll just say that the stress of having to deal with the aftermath led to a particularly bad flare that still hasn't disappeared completely.

For me, flares tend to include endless migraines, chills (read: frozen hands and feet), backache, alternating pain and numbness in my arms and legs, insomnia, depression, cramps, indigestion, ringing in the ears, restless legs, and crippling fatigue. I still can't understand how this condition works; it makes you crawl out of bed because you're dead tired and sore all over but unable to sleep. Like a hurricane, a flare can hit you suddenly and cripple you if you aren't prepared for it.

While I'm still learning how to cope with and overcome flares, I can say that I have gotten better at handling them now. I take nice long baths, watch something funny or listen to relaxing music, order in food, and curl up in bed. I don't push myself to go to work or do housework because I have done it in the past and know better than to push myself now. If I can't sleep, my lovely husband holds my hand and we just talk all night.

And in this way, I take control of my condition. And now, I think I'll pause here to change the soundtrack.

New Song of the Day: Lazy Song by Bruno Mars

There, that's better. This post was turning out to be darker than I had intended it to be. My point is that having chronic conditions suck - and that's putting it politely. But you have to keep trying to get better. It's crucial that you stay well-informed on your condition(s) so that you can avoid triggers and stay healthy. The Internet is filled with useful resources and information about support groups, doctors, and patient advocates. Most importantly, remember to smile. Laughter does wonders for your mental and physical health.

A New Beginning

Song of the Day: Clocks by Coldplay

I feel blessed to have the best readers, friends and sponsors. It is due to all of you that I had the opportunity to see and experience all that I did. Giving up the travel column breaks my heart, but I haven't been able to travel for some time now and I was so happy to turn it over to one of my dearest friends. To avoid confusion and to maintain some privacy, I also closed the social media accounts associated with those blogs. Please direct all your questions to the new writer using the same Contact form on the main site. If you are looking to make a purchase or place an order, the Etsy shop is still open. All proceeds will be donated to Autism Speaks, Stop Violence Against Women, and The Humane League.
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There's a little park by my husband's office. Whenever the weather is bearable, I sit on a bench and wait for him to get off of work so that he can take me home. This is part of an agreement we reached when I decided to go back to work full-time. We make it a point to commute together - even when we are fighting - because we can't be sure that I would make it home if we didn't.

As I sat in my regular spot waiting for him tonight, an adorable little Yorkie ran up to me and sniffed my coat, probably because it could smell my dog's scent on me. I reached down to pat its fur when the owner tugged on the leash and apologized for disturbing me. I laughed and said that it was fine when said owner suddenly said my name. I looked up at the woman, who was wearing sweats and oversized sunglasses, and I realized that it was an old friend from junior high school. I hadn't seen her in years. We didn't talk for very long, but she reminded me of things and people I hadn't thought about it in years.

Lately, I spend most of my time and energy thinking about how to get through the day. It has been about close to ten years since the accident, but even after all this time, getting through a bad day is just as hard as it was in the beginning.

Still, all it takes is a run-in with an old friend to get me reminiscing about my past and wondering how I got here, struggling with problems that I never imagined I would have to deal with. I'm bewildered at how much time has passed and how many transformations I have undergone while dealing with these conditions. I imagine a younger, healthier me and wish I could overcome the boundaries of time and be her again for a little bit. I was once a vibrant and happy young girl with dyed hair (and the "Rachel" haircut), flared jeans, and an obsession with hip hop music and video games.

When my husband finally came and shook me out of my reverie, that girl drifted away.

Now, hours later, she is long, long gone and it seems like she is a lifetime away. Most of the time, I don't miss her because I'm too caught up with the present. Most of the time. But on nights like tonight, when something reminds me of her, it's hard to shake myself out of it. I wish I could talk to her and tell her to write it all down, write it and remember it all, so that I could remember it all now.

That's why I'm really starting this blog. So that I don't forget all that I have been blessed with and to try to make up for the promise I broke to everyone who helped me get here.