F-word of the Day: Friendship

Song of the Day: Family Affair by Mary J. Blige

One of the hardest parts of living with chronic conditions is the fact that it forces you to reassess who your real friends are. As someone who spent much of her young-adulthood surrounded by "friends," this was a particularly bitter pill to swallow. As my condition worsened, most of these friends drew further and further away from me. Some automatically assumed that I was either faking or exaggerating because I "didn't seem sick." Others accused me of being flaky when I would have to cancel appointments at the last minute. Eventually, everyone just stopped calling. At the time, the stress of having to pretend to be okay or deal with their assumptions and lies sent me on a downward spiral of pain and depression. There are also those people whom I deliberately cut out of my life because their friendships were toxic and taking a toll on my health. In still other cases, I cut people out simply because I didn't have the time or energy to spend on maintaining their friendships.

Today, I only keep a very small number of friends around me. I really liked the picture (below) when I saw it, but the quote isn't entirely accurate. My best friends are people who have been there for me unconditionally, but they are also the ones that have known me the longest. 

My female best friend, let's call her Linda, is someone I have known since I was four years old. She knows everything about me, which comes in handy on the days when my cognitive symptoms are really bad and I can barely remember anything. Our friendship is one that defies description. We can go for months without talking, and I will still know that I can pick up the phone and call her, and it will be like we never stopped talking. There will be no recriminations of "How could you not call me on my birthday?" or "Why don't you ever call me?" She knows that I would if I could, and if I don't, it's because I can't. And that understanding is the greatest gift she could give me.

My male best friend, let's call him Joe, is someone I have known since I was twelve years old. He is the reason why I am a big believer in platonic friendships and the need to have one BFF that is of the opposite sex. He has been my date to work functions, we've traveled together (a lot), and he will come and take me out for ice cream in the middle of the night when I can't sleep. He was the last person to hug me before I walked down the aisle with my dad. We've been to weddings, funerals, and lots of parties together. He is always on my side, but he also gives me tough love when I need it.

While I have other friends that I love and am close to, these are the two people who are my go-to support people. Every person who struggles with a chronic illness should have at least one such person in his or her life. I consider myself doubly blessed because I have two such people. 

The one thing I'd like to point out to anyone who is struggling with a chronic condition is that you can't always blame those who don't stick around. This is a bumpy road that we're on and you can't blame those who don't want to come along for the ride. The only thing you can do is buckle up and hold on tight to anyone who does join you.

If someone in your life is struggling with a chronic condition, try not to judge. Check out articles like the one below to gain a better understanding of what's helpful and what's not.

Health Central - Top 10 Things Not to Say to A Fibromite

F-word of the Day: Family

Song of the Day: Ode to My Family By The Cranberries

I haven't been out of my room in days. Along with everything else, I have a lot of allergies. I get particularly severe reactions to pollen, grass, sun, and trees. So you can imagine how much I like spring. A particularly bad bout with allergies resulted in allergic asthma and a very bad flare - the first I've had in several months. Being sick and stuck at home was starting to get me down today when my dad brought me fruit and ginger ale - the same remedies he has always brought me during times of sickness ever since I was a child. A few hours later, my mom brought me oranges and soup.

So even thought I haven't stopped coughing and wheezing, and I have had a fever for nearly a week, I smile and begin to feel better. And then my lovely husband comes home with ice cream and I feel a sense of joy that I haven't felt in weeks.

And that's why the F-word of the day is "family."

F-word of the Day: Fertility

Song of the Day: Unpretty by TLC

I always think if only. If only I had known these things when I was younger. If only we hadn't wasted so much time before trying. If only I hadn't stepped foot in that particular therapy clinic. If only my doctors could have gotten me better faster. If only I had met my husband a little earlier. But these things aren't possible; I shouldn't torture myself by thinking of them; there are reasons why we are where we are. There is nothing that we can do. These things are out of our control. I comfort myself with the thought that God knows what He is doing. Still, I walk around with part of me missing most of the time and I push it away. I carry the battle scars of my fight against infertility beneath the surface of myself with me everywhere, only allowing thoughts of babies and prenatal anything to bother me on those days when yet another friend announces yet another pregnancy. I hate the fact that I can't be completely happy for them; this selfish witch isn't the person I used to be.

My fight against infertility included 3 miscarriages; 486 visits to the reproductive endocrinologist; 448 blood tests; 322 transvaginal sonograms; $3,368.44 spent on ovulation prediction kits; $4,127.36 spent on home pregnancy tests; and a whopping $82,400 spent on visits to the doctor, exams, and procedures. This list does not include all of the time and money I spent on holistic treatments and natural supplements, and it fails to address the countless hours I spent poring over books and websites. Nor does it include the emotional toll the process took on my husband and me. Each failed cycle ended in debilitating depression. 

I can vividly recall the last time we found out that we had had yet another unsuccessful cycle. It was a rainy spring morning; after returning home from the clinic, I lay in bed listening to the raindrops hit the window and air conditioner. Each clap of thunder seemed to punctuate the end of our fight to become parents. I was exhausted and bereft of the energy and motivation to keep fighting.

At first, I woke up each morning and the first thought that entered my mind was that no matter how hard I tried to fill things up with light and sun and laughter, there was still this tiny, tight knot of sadness within me, and no matter how much I hid it or rubbed away at it, I couldn’t seem to make it disappear. 

I won't lie. It still hurts at times, but making the conscious decision to stop trying and to focus solely on regaining my health helped. A LOT. It also helped when I stopped trying to pretend it didn't bother me. That entailed withdrawing from some of my well-intentioned but tactless friends who automatically assumed that my childless state made me the ideal candidate for babysitting and baby-shower-throwing. I've thrown 17 baby showers and I have 23 godchildren and commit to remembering milestones and spending time with them. I have the sweetest nieces and nephews who call me everyday (mainly about homework) and who provide me with all of the cuddles and kisses an aunt can ask for. On top of that, I love and remember every single one of the sweet and lovely students I have been fortunate enough to work with.

Now, I'm frequently amazed at how laid-back I have become about being childless. And I like it. Even though we aren't parents, we can still dream about the future and we can still be happy. I don't need to have anyone by my side in order to be fulfilled; and if I did have to choose someone, it would be my husband (and my dog). When he (my husband) senses that I am depressed or stressed, he holds my hand and hugs me and I think, "Yes, this is right; this is the way it should be,"  and I can see that life is good - F-words be damned.

At the same time, I understand that others may not feel the same way. My heart aches for everyone waiting breathlessly for their good news. I did an email blast for Fertility Friends earlier today. If you haven't already, please take a minute to donate. Everyone who wants to try to conceive should be able to do so without having to worry about finances. With the help of a good friend, we will be matching every dollar donated.

Return to Work

 

Song of the Day: Thank You by Dido

I accepted a regular full-time job today. Yes, I was a sell-out and decided that I wanted to give a boring 9-to-5 job. As most of you know, I've always worked at least 5 jobs since I was a freshman in high school. While this was difficult physically, I enjoy every minute of working. I was blessed in that I was able to attain all of my dream jobs... all at once. It's an amazingly lucky problem to have, so I made the brilliant decision to accept all of them. Fortunately, I have amazing bosses who have worked with me to accommodate my schedule and who constantly go above and beyond to support and mentor me.

At the same time, I've been feeling ill for a long time and I think that I would do better if I focused on one job. I struggled for months to decide which job I would continue, but I decided that I want to start over from the beginning on a new career path.

That doesn't mean that I'm stopping all of my activities. I'll still be at the Autism Speaks dinner, so I want to see you there! We're just $1,200 short of our fundraising goal, so please come out and support us. To sweeten the deal, I've partnered with Autism Speaks to offer the following incentives to the top five donors:

Your choice of:

- Single, couple or family portraits in pencil, charcoal, oil, or watercolor
- A photography or music video shoot at one of the locations from my Martha Stewart Weddings shoot
- Dinner and press access for one person to see the Yankees play in the Bronx

Keep your fingers crossed that this will be the beginning of a new and productive life for your favorite funnygirl. :-)